Good-Bye, Sweet Samul

I’m sad to announce that, last Tuesday evening (6/18/13), Justin and I had to say good-bye to our sweet Sam.  She had thrown up a few times over the previous week, but it was intermittent, and she still continued to eat, drink, and use the bathroom normally, so we decided to just keep an eye on her.  Then, last Monday evening, she threw up a very large amount of mucous, and she seemed a little weaker than usual, so I decided I would call the vet in the morning to make her an appointment.  That night, Sam pushed down the baby gate and came upstairs to sleep in our bedroom with us, which is typical of her, but she did not even try to get in our bed, which isn’t as typical.  She just slept in the floor. 

In the morning, I noticed that her breathing looked a little labored, and she didn’t come downstairs to go outside or eat breakfast with Luke and Margot.  However, it wasn’t unusual for Sam to stay in bed and skip the whole morning routine, so I tried not to let it upset me.  She was also still very responsive whenever I pet her, so I hoped that she was just being lazy that morning.  Still, as soon as I got to work, I called and made her a vet appointment for Friday at 9:45 AM because both Justin and I had Friday off that week.

Later that afternoon, Kristy texted to ask if Sam was at the vet already because Sam wasn’t downstairs when Kristy came over to get Frank during her lunch break.  This worried me because it was not like Sam to stay upstairs all day.  So, I began frantically texting Justin, knowing that he would be home soon for his lunch break, and asked for an update about Sam.  He finally texted back, but it wasn’t good news.  In fact, he told me to call the vet back immediately and try to bump up Sam’s appointment because something was definitely wrong.  He had managed to coax her downstairs when he got home for lunch, and she even went out into the yard to use the bathroom, but she was so weak that she could barely make it up the four steps of our deck, and she basically collapsed as soon as she made it back inside the house.  Justin brought her water, which she gladly drank, but then she threw it all up just a minute later.  She also turned her nose up at food, which is definitely not like Sam.

Upon hearing all of this, I knew in my heart that Sam would probably not be coming home from her vet appointment.  Regardless, I called the vet back, told the receptionist how Sam’s health had rapidly declined since that morning, and she said that we should bring her in at 4:30 pm that day.

In a nutshell, an X-ray showed that the large lump that has been visible on Sam’s left side for quite some time was actually a large tumor that was attached to the base of her heart.  It was growing inside her ribcage, whereas all of her other previously removed tumors had been just under the skin.  The tumor was pressing on Sam’s heart and lungs, causing her to have breathing problems, weakness, and even anemia (her gums were very pale).  I was afraid to ask, but I had to know if I could have prevented this outcome if I had brought Sam to the vet as soon as I noticed that large lump on her side.  The vet assured me that there was nothing I could have done.  Since the tumor was attached to Sam’s heart and was actually growing inside her chest, by the time it had grown large enough to be visible, it was already too late to have it removed.  This brought me some relief, as my biggest fear has been whether or not I made the right decision by choosing not to have Sam’s lumps checked out or removed. 

So, knowing that there was nothing that could be done at that point, and especially considering the fact that Sam was no longer able to walk, eat, or drink, Justin and I knew that Sam’s time had come.  The vet and the technicians were all extremely kind to us and allowed us ample time to say our good-byes.  When it was time to give her the first injection of anesthesia, I asked if Justin could cradle her in his arms because that was Sam’s favorite thing in the world.  I also wanted Justin to hold her so that I could look Sam directly in the eyes and be near her face, the same way I had done with Lexie and Jocie when they passed.

Even though Justin and I were both very tearful, I smiled at Sam the whole time as she gazed into my eyes.  Then, Sam gave me the most incredible gift.  As we looked into each other’s eyes, mine dripping with tears, she moved her paw so that it touched my arm.  She was trying to comfort me in the exact same way that she always had whenever I was upset. 

The best example of this is another moment that I’ll never forget.  After my husband (Sam’s father), Chris, had committed suicide in 2009, I had taken my three girls (Sam, Jocie, and Lexie) to live with me at my father’s house for a few weeks while I tried to decide whether or not I should continue living in that house or find another place to live.  Sam was so upset by the whole ordeal that her fur had fallen out in large clumps along her back.  She looked awful, and I knew that the best thing for her would be to take her back home because that’s where she is the most comfortable.  That was actually a big part of the reason why I ultimately decided to move back into the house.

The first night that we were back in our house, Sam was the most relaxed I had seen her since before Chris died.  She curled right up on the couch and immediately fell asleep.  I, on the other hand, was feeling rather uneasy about being back in that house again, especially alone.  So, I tried to distract myself by surfing the Internet on my laptop, but eventually I started crying.  As soon as I did, Sam got up from where she had been laying comfortably, walked down to my end of the couch, sat beside me, and simply put her paw on my shoulder.  I turned my head to look at her, and she just looked right back at me with those deeply soulful eyes without moving a muscle.  I knew at that moment that I had made the right decision by moving back into our house, and I knew that Sam would help me get through the difficult readjustment period, which she did.

Sam was always the biggest comfort to me during the most difficult times in my life, and she provided that same comfort to me last Tuesday evening at the vet’s office when she touched my arm with her paw.  It was as if she knew what was happening and wanted to help me get through it, just as she had helped me get through that first night back in the house.  It was a moment that I will never forget for as long as I live.  Sam was the most amazing, compassionate dog, and I already miss her so much.

Margot has also been missing her big sister, which has been difficult for me to watch.  The day after Sam passed, my brother told me about an article he’d read that said whenever a dog passes away in a multi-dog family, it’s actually good for the other dogs to smell the dog that has passed away.  This will supposedly help give the other dogs closure so that they won’t worry about where their brother or sister has gone.  Upon hearing this, I texted Justin and asked him to get our clothes that we had worn the previous day at the vet’s office, which were covered in Sam’s fur, and make a pile for Margot to smell.  He did, and about 30 minutes later he texted me a photo of Margot curled up in that pile of clothes, sound asleep.  It broke my heart.

For the most part, Margot has been behaving normally during the day.  She plays with Luke and Frank, gets excited to go for a walk or to the dog park, and she’s been eating and drinking just fine.  However, as soon as she starts to settle down and wants to fall asleep, Margot starts acting very sad.  Sometimes, she acts like she just can’t get comfortable.  She re-positions herself a lot, and sometimes she even gets up and starts whining.  Other times, she becomes super cuddly with me or Justin.  Typically, Margot just curls into a ball right up against us or lays her head in our laps whenever she wants to cuddle.  Ever since Sam died, though, Margot has wanted to actually lay across our chests with her head close to our faces.  It reminds me of how she used to lay on my chest when she was a tiny puppy.  It’s as though she just misses that feeling of being super close to another warm body while she sleeps.  It’s such a shame that Luke isn’t much of a dog cuddler, or else I doubt Margot would be as depressed as she has been this past week.

Well, I’m sure you can probably guess where this is going – Justin has already started campaigning for us to adopt a new cuddle buddy for Margot.  It’s not that I’m against owning three dogs (Lord knows that I’m used to that by now), I’m just hesitant about adopting another dog because there’s no guarantee that the dog we choose will want to cuddle with Margot, either.  With that said, I will admit that it does feel strange not having an older, calmer dog in the house anymore.  I miss Sam’s laid-back energy.  I also loved the fact that there was an older dog in the house to whom my puppies showed respect (Margot more so than Luke, but only because Margot was raised with Sam since she was 6 weeks-old).  Therefore, if we do adopt another dog, I will definitely be looking for one that is at least 2-4 years-old, but preferably no older than 5, one who has a lower energy level, and ideally one who is a known dog cuddler.   All I can say is we’ll see, but one thing is for sure, no dog will ever replace my sweet, sweet Samul.  :(

Feeling Pretty Low

We made it back home to WV from our vacation in Emerald Isle, NC this past Friday evening.  I wish I could tell you that I had a fantastic time, but unfortunately I had to go to the beach with a VERY heavy heart this year.  Don’t get me wrong, the beach was beautiful, the house was amazing, my friends were awesome (all 15 of them), and my little brother even proposed to his girlfriend, Kristy!   Like I said, though, it was just very unfortunate that my heart wasn’t 100% into the vacation this year due to the sudden loss of my Jocie the day before we left and, of course, the tragic loss of my Lou just a month prior to that.  Still, I tried to put on a happy face and not think about the sadness for the majority of our vacation, but it all sunk in pretty hard during the drive home.

All of us in Emerald Isle, NC, 2012

I also wish I could tell you that my mood improved greatly once I was reunited with Margot and Sam, but again, unfortunately I cannot.  Although I was VERY happy to see Sam and Margot again, my heart still remains heavy, as I have had to make a very difficult decision this past weekend.   Margot has basically become obsessed with Sam and will NOT leave her alone.  It’s very sad because she is only being a normal puppy and wanting Sam to play with her, but it truly is making Sam’s life a living Hell.  Margot is constantly nipping at her, climbing all over her, and running circles around her, which is driving Sam crazy.  I did some reading about this type of situation online, and everything advises against yelling at Margot because it might really confuse her, as she is merely behaving like a normal, playful puppy.  The articles I’ve read said that the best thing to do is separate the older dog from the puppy while the puppy is being playful, but that has proven to be a problem for us because Sam doesn’t like spending time alone.  We’ve tried allowing Sam to go upstairs by herself in order to get away from Margot for a while, but if Justin and I BOTH are not upstairs with her, she doesn’t want to stay up there.  She’ll come back down to the baby gate and cry until we let her back down, despite knowing that the puppy is going to continue picking on her. 



Reunited and it feels so gooood!



Fortunately, Justin’s mother apparently fell in LOVE with our Sam while she babysat the girls for us last week.  She loves how affectionate Sam is, and she even let Sam sleep in the bed with her at night, which is Sam’s idea of HEAVEN.  Not only that, but Sam also loved spending her days lounging on Justin’s parents’ screened-in wrap-around porch and enjoyed their large, fenced-in back yard.  Therefore, I am considering a sort of “joint custody” arrangement between us and Justin’s parents because not only do I feel like it might make Sam much happier, but Justin’s mother has mentioned several times how much she misses Sam ever since we picked her up last Friday. 

Even as I type this, though, the thought of not having Sam at home with me 24/7 makes my heart ache, which is why I’m only considering doing this on a trial basis for now.  The thing is, I really don’t know how much time Sam has left, and I’d much rather her spend her golden years enjoying a big back yard, chillin’ out on a screened-in porch, and soaking up the tons of affection that I know Justin’s mother will give her than spend her final days constantly trying to avoid the annoyance of an incessantly nipping, rambunctious puppy.  Believe me, I would not be giving this “joint custody” idea one ounce of consideration if I didn’t feel like it would make Sam a million times happier, and everyone who has seen Margot pestering Sam over the last couple of days has agreed with me 100% that it is probably a good idea.  So, starting tonight, we’re going to try leaving Sam with Justin’s parents during the week, and then we’ll bring her home on the weekends.  If Sam seems even the least bit upset about being away from home, I will just have to figure out something else.  However, if Sam truly seems happier staying with Justin’s parents, no matter how I’ll miss her or how much my heart will ache, at least I will know she’s happy.  (Ugh.  I’m tearing up just thinking about this.)

I really do wish I could have written a happier post about how much fun we had at the beach and how great things are now that we’re back home, but as you’ve probably gathered by now, this has basically been the worse summer of my life.  For the record, I’m normally a very optimistic person, and finding silver linings has always come very naturally to me, but it’s becoming harder and harder to bounce back from life’s “little” set-backs, especially when so many horrible things have happened in such a short amount of time, and they’ve all been extremely tragic with very complicated circumstances.  Just so you fully understand where I’m coming from, let’s re-cap, shall we?

Three years ago, I had to deal with my husband’s tragic (and highly dramatic) suicide on TOP of also dealing with his alcoholism and mental illness, and I even later discovered he had been lying to me for years about just about everything, including our financial situation.  My photography business basically came to a screeching halt after that as I focused on putting my life back together, mainly for the sake of my three girls (Jocie, Sam, and Lexie), which decreased my now single income even more significantly.  Last summer, I was laid off from my job due to cut-backs and struggled for two whole months to find new employment and practically drained my savings account in the process.  This summer, I spent two months draining my savings account even further (almost down to nothing) while running my beloved Lexie back and forth to Columbus, Ohio in an unsuccessful attempt to save her eyes, only to find out after putting her through three traumatic eye surgeries that she had Stage IV mammary cancer, which the so-called “specialists” at MedVet had somehow missed during previous testing.  During all of this, on the 4^th of July, I learned that one of my best friends from high school, Beth, was found dead by her 16 year-old son after she laid down for a nap the previous afternoon and never woke up (they believe she had a seizure).  Then, a few days later, the day after Lexie’s stitches were finally removed from her pointlessly empty, infected eye sockets, Lexie was in so much pain from her mammary cancer that she collapsed and had to be put down.  Justin and I tried to bring some happiness back into our lives by bringing home Margot, which worked for a few weeks, but then, just one month after losing Lexie (a couple weeks ago), I had to put down my oldest, Jocie, the day before our summer vacation after learning that she had advanced kidney failure and was no longer eating.  And now, here I am, thousands of dollars in debt and about to send my sweet Sam off to live with another family because I foolishly thought an 11 year-old dog and a less than 4 month-old puppy would have no problems living together. 

If I REALLY wanted to pile on the doom and gloom, I guess I could also mention that over the past two years I’ve managed to fall madly in love with a wonderful man who also just happens to have Type I diabetes and was told when he was 8 years-old that he probably won’t live past the age of 40.  That, of course, probably isn’t true, and it was horrible of Justin’s doctors to tell him such a thing back then, but the fact remains that he WILL eventually develop serious complications due to his diabetes.  Hopefully, that won’t happen for many, many years, but every single day I live with the fear that I will someday lose him and ultimately die alone.   So, how’s that for an extremely gloomy ending to an incredibly depressing rant?

Okay, okay…I will now try to prove that I’m normally an optimistic person by ending this Debbie Downer blog post on some positive notes.  For one, as I mentioned earlier, Zach and Kristy are now officially engaged, and I am beyond excited for their wedding next year!  (The date hasn’t been set in stone yet, but they’re thinking about the end of September, 2013.)  I am also extremely honored that Kristy has asked me to be one of her bridesmaids.  I’ve photographed literally HUNDREDS of weddings over the past eight years, but I’ve never actually been in a wedding before!  I’m so happy for both of them, as they make each other very happy.

Left - Margot at 7 wks with Mandee; Right - Margot at 11 wks with Ashley

Another positive thing is that our friend and roommate, Ashley, returned home from her three-month-long trip to teach in Africa this summer and finally met Margot for the first time on Sunday night.  I’m pretty sure that she and Margot fell instantly in love, and Ashley seems excited about having a new puppy in the house.   Ashley is also a lot of fun to have around, so I’m looking forward to many laughter-filled nights hanging out with her at home. 

Finally, I wouldn’t dream of ending this blog post without saying at least a few positive things about Miss Margot.  For one, I couldn’t believe how much she grew during the one short week that we were gone!  She’s so long and lanky now, and her paws are absolutely HUGE.  I don’t know how she’s ever supposed to grow into those paws if they just keep getting bigger as the rest of her grows!  I was a little worried that she may have become a little less disciplined while we were away, but thankfully Margot is still a very good puppy.  Don’t get me wrong, she has her moments, but overall she really is surprisingly well-behaved for being only 11 weeks-old.  I also think that she may be officially entering the teething stage, as chewing on the Nylabone is her #1 favorite thing in the world right now.   She continues to show bite inhibition when she plays, though, and she is still happy to redirect her play-biting to a toy when one is given to her, so I’m very happy about all of that. 



Teething time!



I will also say that, despite all of the above-mentioned doom and gloom that is currently hanging over my head, it is impossible not to smile, laugh, or feel at least a small amount of happiness when I’m playing with Margot.  She is so much fun and such a joy to have around.  I wish with all my heart that she and Sam were getting along better, and I hate, hate, HATE that Sam may occasionally have to stay somewhere else for the sake of giving her a “happily ever after,” but I am still so thankful that Justin and I decided to bring Margot into our lives because, otherwise, I feel like we would just be holding our breath and counting down the days until we have to say good-bye to Samul, too.   Margot gives me a reason to look forward to what lies ahead instead of just dreading what might happen next.  She also continuously surprises me with her ability to lift my spirits, no matter how overwhelmed by sadness I am or how hopeless I may feel, even if it’s only for a few minutes at a time. 

Sad Anniversaries Today

Last night, I had a much-needed impromptu girls' night with a couple of my best girlfriends, so I don't really have a lot to report in regard to the big "bean bottle experiment."  I can tell you that when I did play with Margot yesterday evening, she seemed to respond better to, "No bite!", and I probably only shook the bean bottle twice.  I should be able to make a better judgement about Margot's progress and the bottle's effectiveness after tonight, though, because I don't have any plans for this evening, other than playing with her and hanging out with Justin.

Not to be a downer, but I'm currently feeling kind of sad and nostalgic because three years ago today, I lost my husband, Chris.  Today also happens to be the three-week anniversary of the day I had to say good-bye to my sweet Lou.  I'm trying to stay positive and remember only the good times, but that really only makes me miss them more.  I loved them both so much. 

Lexie, Chris, and me

I'll post a happier update tomorrow, guys.  Promise. 

Big Shoes to Fill

It’s hard to believe that it was only two months ago when I first decided to start my previous blog, originally titled “A New Life for Lexie,” with the intention of documenting my beloved 9 year-old Doberman’s full recovery and adjustment to blindness after undergoing a bilateral enucleation (surgical removal of the eyes).   Unfortunately, Lou’s story did not have the happy ending that I had expected (quite the opposite, in fact).  While I welcome you to read my previous blog in order to get the full back-story, I will warn you that it is not a very happy read.  Justin and I, as well as all of Lexie’s other friends and family, had to finally say good-bye to our sweet Lou on July 26, 2012.   

I was so devastated by Lexie’s passing that for the first few days afterwards, it almost felt like actual physical pain.   I couldn’t believe how much it hurt, and after the third day of grieving this way, I decided that I simply had to do something to try to kick-start the healing process.  Justin had mentioned the idea of looking for a new Doberman puppy.  He feared that our house would feel empty without a big Dobe personality to balance out the lazy, super-chilled personalities of our other two dogs, Jocie (a 12 year-old Border Collie mix) and Sam (an 11 year-old Coonhound/Rottweiler mix).  Justin also thought that having a new puppy to raise would be a good distraction from our grief and would undoubtedly bring some fun and positivity back into our lives. 

I resisted the idea at first because I wasn’t sure if my heart was ready to love another Doberman so soon after losing my Lou, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that Justin was probably right.  Besides, for the last two and a half years, Justin has been a wonderful “adoptive dad” to my three girls (Jocie, Sam, and Lexie), but he has also mentioned on a few occasions that he would love to be able to adopt a new puppy together someday.   Well, Sunday, July 29, 2012 turned out to be that day.

We drove 4.5 hours to Celina, Ohio to meet the breeders, Megan and Randy, whom I found through the eBay Classifieds.  The drive there was an emotional roller coaster ride for me.  One minute I felt excited about adopting a new Doberman, but then the next minute I felt a little guilty about bringing a rambunctious little puppy into Sam and Jocie's lives so soon after Lexie had passed.  Justin kept assuring me that Sam and Jocie would eventually adjust to having a puppy around, but I knew we were probably in for a bumpy adjustment period.  The closer we got to Celina, however, those feelings of fear and guilt were replaced with nervousness and excitement knowing that we were about to pick out our new little Dobe babe!

Now, I don’t know if you guys understand how much I LOVE Doberman puppies, but let’s just say that the mere sight of a photograph of a Dobe pup sends me into fits of silent screaming and pulling at my hair.   So, with that in mind, try to imagine my reaction as I stood in front of Megan and Randy's garage when the door lifted open and released a stampede of adorable little 6 week-old, black and tan Doberman puppies!!!!   I think I actually died a little from cuteness overload.  It was ridiculous.

Anyway, after I was revived (kidding), I asked which puppies were female, and the first one they handed me was Margot.  She was BEAUTIFUL!  Honestly, as soon as Margot laid those big, soulful brown eyes on me, I couldn't even look at any of the other puppies.  Then, Megan told me that this puppy was the runt of the litter, which was just the icing on the puppy cake, as far as I was concerned, because Lexie had also been a runt.  I let Margot give me a few kisses before I handed her over to Justin while giving him "The Look."  As soon as he held her, she immediately began giving him kisses, too, and just like that we were both instantly in love. 

Now, a week and a half later, I cannot tell you how much this rotten little scoundrel has helped both Justin and I in terms of grieving Lexie.  I still miss Lexie tremendously and think about her every single day, but I no longer feel like I’m drowning in that sadness.  Hell, I don’t have time to!  Have you ever tried keeping up with a 6-8 week-old puppy?!?!  Not only that, but Justin was absolutely right about a new puppy bringing that fun, positive energy back into our house.  Margot is the most fun!

Shortly after we brought Margot home, someone suggested I start a new blog all about raising her, but I wasn't really sure if this experience warranted a whole new blog.  I mean, it’s not like Justin and I are the first couple in the world to ever raise a Doberman puppy.  However, my mind changed this past weekend when we took Margot for her first check-up with Dr. Ginger Ellis, our incredibly caring vet who also took care of Lexie.  As soon as Dr. Ellis saw Margot, she grinned, lowered her face close to Margot’s, and said quietly, “You’ve got some big shoes to fill, pup,” all while scratching her gently behind her floppy little ears.   It moved me to tears, and it also made me realize that there actually is more to our story than just "raising Margot."

So, my intention for this blog is to not only chronicle the daily the ups and downs of raising a crazy little Doberman puppy, but to also document how, over time, our little Margot will undoubtedly rise to the challenge of “filling Lexie’s shoes."  Although Lou can never be replaced, Margot has already managed to find a very special place in our hearts.